


space is shit

by Hibernation_Reader_Ree (hoe_whisperer)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Allura is not a princess she's a queen thank u very much, F/M, Hunk is still a cinnamon roll, Keith (Voltron) Being an Asshole, Keith loves his man mothman, Keith will always be an emo lord, Lance knows his dank ass memes, Like literally ray of sunshine, M/M, Matt and Allura Kardashian well, Pidge is still a gremlin, Voltron: Defenders of Mothman, conspiracy theory that Zarkon's second name is Cock confirmed, like tis is a murder feast, matt is a legend, space dad is done, them all being assholes, they are kinda shitty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-07-13 03:30:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16009373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoe_whisperer/pseuds/Hibernation_Reader_Ree
Summary: Keith is a hot mess and Lance is thirsty. Something's never change, no matter the circumstances.Basically, they all give no shits.





	space is shit

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Mothman](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mothman/gifts).



> this is basically just one giant mothman appreciation post.
> 
> after season 7 I should own Voltron lmao 
> 
> jk I'm still pissed but the show is still good, and Voltron owns the beauty that it is, not me

To be honest, Keith thought people were over dramatic about murdering. In a way, it's just a more effective and permanent version of the horror of being stabled in the balls. But, this way, people do not have to continue their life starring at a stable shaped scar on their balls with tremendous sadness. Another bonus is that they get to catch up on a lot of sleep.

Don't get Keith wrong, he's not a fan of seeking out chances to murder. Though the fucks that he gives for others lives are lacking at best, he's still not some bloodthirsty serial killer with a chainsaw and enough of an ego to patten a common phrase as their murdering slogan. Keith does not give a shit about what you did last Summer. He doesn't even give a shit about what you got up to last Spring. He doesn't find pleasure in the death of others, Keith is simply not affected at all. This makes Keith current dilemma solution far easier. 

"Hold on, repeat what you just fucking said." Keith snarls, glaring at the purple piece of shit sat across from him. 

"Uh, Mothman isn't real?" The Galra answers, eyeing Keith in confusion. "Why do you ask?"

"Keith, no."

"Not now, Shiro. What makes you believe that?"

"Isn't it just-well, every Galra knows it's a bullshit kids story, even at a young age no one really believes in him, right?"

Leaning forward, Keith narrows his eyes at the Galra. "Every mother fucking Galra?" 

”Um, yes?” 

"For God Sake Keith, please don't.”

"Not now, Shiro. Listen up, you cheap ass smurf, I will not stand by this blatant disrespect about my hero. I have boards not that far away in my shack that is full of evidence! I have a fuck load of proof! Mothman is real!"

The Galra gaps at Keith, taken aback by his attitude. 

"Deep breathes, Keith, deep breathes."

"Not now, Shiro." Keith hisses, still glaring at the Galra. "I don't give a shit that we are negotiating a trade, I won't just sit back and let my man get shit talked. This is not alright!"

Shiro releases a sigh, before putting his hand on Keith's shoulder. "We need this part to complete the blaster. Go and wait outside, cool down, I'll finish this up." 

Keith pushes Shiro hand off of his shoulder before standing up to leave.   
Letting out a huff of frustrating he nods at Shiro and heads for the exit. The Galra next sentence reaches Keith before he can get through the door. 

"Can't wait to tell the guys about this kid actually thinking Mothman is real, wanker." He chuckles shaking his head. 

"Why do I even try?' Shiro grimaces, sounding defeated. 

Keith lunches at the guy, pinning him to the ground. "You Galra assholes can suck it! Mothman is real, you son of a bitch!" Bringing out a knife from his sleeve, he plunges it into the side of the Galra throat. 

"Goddamit Keith, do you want another planet trying to imprison us!"

Rolling his eyes, Keith searches his body and pulls out the part that Shiro needs and throws it at him. "It's fine. He was a shady guy, doing a shady deal and had a shady death. No one will care about it."

"You can't just go around killing people because they don't believe in Mothman!"

"Are you trying to start beef with me about Mothman? You should know that I priorities no one over Mothman, don't get comfy when it comes to my man."

"Why do I keep you around?" 

"Because you respect my title as a gay lord and know the only reason we're still alive is because of my decision making." 

Shiro raises an eyebrow at Keith. 

"Fine. You know you want to keep me alive because we're bros and I wouldn't be without your decision making. I stick to the respecting of the gay lord." Eyebrow still raised at him, Keith scoffs at him. "Fine, fellow gay lord, mutual respect."

"You're a nuisance."

Lifting up a blade he finds on the Galra, he meets Shiro judgemental stare unflinchingly. "A nuisance who has a new blade and defends those he loves." 

"Mothman."

"Mothman." 

"You're a mess." 

"You're dramatic. Let's get out of here before anyone sees us with the Galra body." Shiro nods in agreement and strides out, Keith following closely after. "My shack?" 

"We need to find a better place for permanent residency." 

"Back off my shack bitch, it gives you shelter. I could simply not let you in and make you sleep outside." 

"I'm so done with you today." 

That gets Keith to chuckle. "You're done with me every day." 

Shiro sends Keith a disapproving glance, before scanning the area. "Do not pick a fight with anyone, keep your head down and walk close behind me. When we get to the split, we both go down the different paths. Head straight to the shack, no stops, or interruptions. By the time either of us reaches the shack and the other hasn't arrived in ten minutes, come back and look for the other to be safe." 

"Sounds good." Keith agrees. 

When they reach the split, Shiro pats Keith back and takes the right. "Don't get distracted."

"You know me. Great attention span." Keith deadpans, beginning the left path. 

The path was lined with stands that had aliens trying to sell items that were most likely not legal. Ignoring the calls of stand owners and the crowd of people, Keith pushes his way through the path. Keith back briefly tenses up when he feels the stare of another on him, but he is fast to relax his body to not appear suspicious. 

Keith keeps moving forward. After a few minutes and the feeling of being watched is still there, Keith snaps. "I'm already sick of this whole being subtle thing and pretending you aren't there. Whoever the fuck is following me come out right now." 

"We mean you no harm. All we want is to talk to you." Keith turns to see a boy with brown hair. 

"I am sad to inform you that I am not interested in talking and must be on my way." Keith states, turning on his heel to continue the path down to the shack. 

"We would really prefer to not have to do this by force, Kogane."

"Why do you know my name?" Keith grits out, clenching his hands into fists at the mention of his surname. 

"Come with me to talk to us, we'll explain the whole situation to you." 

Spinning back to view where the man was, Keith looks over the street to see if he could spot anything that seemed off. There were a few people crowded at stands, but no one Keith could see what appeared to be suspicious. "We?" 

"That's not important right now. Coming calmly would be far better of an option for the both of us. All I want to do is to have a discussion with you about a current dilemma that an organisation I'm in is facing." 

Keith nods at the man, knowing that the best course of action currently was to pretend to be considering his offer while planning an escape route. The man's usage of we made Keith wary to do anything drastic without fully knowing the position of potential threats. 

"You appear to know my name, it's only fair that I know yours." 

The boy nods in agreement. "I guess so. My name is Matt Holt." 

Keith's mouth twitches downwards at that. "...Holt? That sounds familiar." He mumbles, racking through his brain to see if he could place it. 

That seems to pique Matt interest, intrigue clear in his expression, but he is quick to shake his head. "I'll walk you to our headquarters then if that's alright?" 

Sighing, Keith shakes his head at Matt. "Here's the thing, Matt, I don't do calm." At that Keith begins to bolt to a narrow alleyway to his right. Realising he needs to check in and make sure Shiro has also not been infiltrated, he decides to head to the direction Shiro went as speedily as he can.

"Shit! Force, guys! We need to use force! Code something! Do we have codes?!" He hears Matt shout, sounding both panicked and annoyed. 

Keith can't help but yell at him. "This isn't Star Wars, you fuck!" 

Keith manages to notice the figure of someone ahead with him holding something the shape of a gun and duck down before the firing starts. He rolls over to get behind a stand and groans in frustration. "Fucking long-distance fighters." Keith has always specialised in close combat. Though he was skilled at hand to hand combat, his shooting skills were pretty shite. 

The stall owner shrieks, ducking next to him in his position. When Keith gestures for them to fuck off, they send him a blank look and lift up their middle finger at him. Keith rolls his at them, and asks, "How the fuck do so many species flip off with their middle finger?" The stall owner flips Keith off with their other middle finger as well, face expressionless. Needing to focus on how he was currently being shot at, Keith shoves the stall owner to the open area and away from the stall protection. At the loud cry of protest from the stall owner Keith reassures by saying in reply, "You can probably crawl away and get out of this fine!" 

 

Hastily grappling the inside of his jacket, he rips a knife from within one of the inside pockets. Hearing no gunshots currently happening he raises his head from above the stall to get a view of where the shooter was. Immediately he hears the firing starting again, slouching back down just barely in time to miss getting hit. 

Growling in frustration, he closes his eyes to listen out to when the sniper would need to refill their ammo. When he hears the round of bullets end, Keith instantly stands up and throws the knife towards the shooter. He hardly has the time to aim as well as he usually does, and jumps back down behind the stand for cover incase his blind throw doesn't land its mark. At the pained scream that pierces the air, Keith cautiously peeks back over the stall to see a pool of blood coming from the shooters stomach, and the man falling onto his back with a heavy thud. 

Keith doesn't have much time to celebrate before the force of a tackle is on his side. Lifting his elbow up he brings it to the person who just had tackled him face. When his hit reaches his target, he squirms out of their grasp and jumps up to his feet. His tackler still on the ground, he kicks their side before bringing his newly obtained blade out and digging it onto their back.

Keith curses when he notices the arrival of a female and a male blocking his path to where Shiro location would be. The female was holding a blade, whereas the male had a gun in his hand. Getting into a fighting stance, he spreads his feet apart and lifts his fist up, and gestures for them to come over to where he is. When they fail to make any movements towards Keith, he makes sure that his irritation is clear to see. 

Edging his way towards where the two resided slowly, he lifts his hands up into the air. "I've already taken down two of you guys pals which ease, the both of you really want to risk being next?" 

The pair showing no sign of budging, Keith is quick to reach for a knife from inside his sleeve and throw it down at the females foot. Taking advantage of the moment of shock that overtook the two, he rushes over behind the women and grabs the blade from her grasp, then presses the blade against the front of her throat. 

"Either of you move and the girl gets her throat cut in!" Pressing his left foot down onto the knife impaling the girl's foot hard, he retrains his pressure when he hears the girl whimper out in pain. "Now, I have a question that you guys will answer. What the fuck do you people want with me?!"

"So self-obsessed." A voice hums. Jerking his head to the side, he sees Matt smirking lightly at him, with three people on each side of him with guns. Guns that happened to be pointing in Keith's direction. 

Noticing Matt gaze trailing to the two recently dead bodies, Keith lets out a wince. "That wasn't me?" 

"You realise you are currently holding someone for ransom, right?" 

"...This isn't me?" Even the girl he's holding for ransom send him a blank expression. Deciding that this wasn't going anywhere, Keith pushed the girl forward and drives his blade into the males back. Grabbing the gun off of the man hand before it can be dropped, he raises the gun up to point at Matt. He may be a shit shooter, but that doesn't mean they had to think he was. "I am not afraid to shoot if I have to! You should all stay still if you know what's best for you." 

Matt sends Keith a 'What the fuck you hoe?' look. "Mate, it's currently 8 against 1. Why are you making the threats?" 

"I might be outnumbered, but I still have my knife collection I've been gathering since I was 3 and no fucks given." 

Chuckling, Matt shakes his head at Keith. "It would be a good time to bring him out, now." 

Keith knits his eyebrows together in confusion, not risking to take his eyes off of the people who could very likely kill him if they wish. His eyes widen when he sees a barely conscious Shiro being dragged in by a girl out past him. Taking in the gun pressed against Shiro's forehead, he barely refrains himself from jumping at the girl, yet knowing that this was too much of a risk when it comes to Shiro's life he keeps still. He couldn't lose Shiro again already.

The girl that was holding onto him had a dark complexion and light purple hair. Keith was very very gay, meaning he was very very not interested, but even he couldn't help but admit that she was fucking hot. 

"Matt, how did you screw this up so much?" 

Gasping dramatically, Matt flings his hand to rest above his heart. "How dare you insinuate such things. It's not my fault I got the most fucking reckless, instinctive and temperamental fuck I've ever seen, Allura!" 

The girl Allura gave Matt a deadpan look. "You've seen his records, don't bullshit yourself. This mission had no suspected deaths, not even any critical damage to anyone, yet you end up with 4 of ours dead." 

Matt throws his arms in the air in frustration. "Maybe I should have captured Takashi then and you should of gotten Keith if you're so fantastic!" 

Allura sniggers at that, eyeing Matt up and down. "You think you would have managed to take this guy down?" 

"Well, you did!" 

"I know." 

Rolling his eyes, Matt sticks his tongue out at her. "As much as I love it when you're absolutely full of yourself, we should maybe focus again?" 

"You think!?" Keith demands. 

"Right." Matt straightens ups his back. "Drop all weapons and come with us."

When Keith does not move, Alurra presses down harder on the gun against Shiro's forehead. 

"Fine!" He throws the gun he had been holding to the side and throws the blade that they know of in front of Matt. "That blade is new. If it gets scratched already I swear to God I will skin you all." 

"That's cool, Keith. Off we go then." Matt grins, picking up Keith blade and attaching it to his belt. "To the castle!" 

"How long will this shit take? What even is this shit? Why do you want me and Shiro in specific?" Keith grumbles.

"All in time, all in time." Matt chirps. 

"We need to stop at my shack first." Keith urges. "I swear to God I will go out of my way to get me and Shiro out of this before we even discuss the matter if we don't."

Allura nods at Keith. "You need a change of clothes? If so we have plenty at the base."

Keith scoffs at Allura question. "Bitch, the fuck? Like I wear anything apart from what I'm wearing right now. Back off my aesthetic." 

"What exactly do you want, then?"

"That doesn't concern you." He replies, smiling innocently at her. 

"Right." Allura drawls. "Lead the way. Don't do anything funny or I will blow the man who looks like a Greek God brains out." 

 

 

"You're actually fucking me, you utter retard," Allura says, irritation lacing her words. 

Matt hums in agreement. "You are an actual retard, aren't you?" 

Keith ignores the two, and instead focuses all of his attention on cling filming his conspiracy boards. "Two people on each board. Who is the most capable person here?" Everyone in the room points at Allura in reply to his question, including Allura herself. Keith is pretty certain he saw Shiro subconsciously turn his head an inch closer to her direction. "You'll be carrying with me then. I swear to God if anything happens to this board that we will be carrying specifically because of you I will cut off all your hair when you are awake." 

Allura quirks her eyebrow up. "Awake?" 

"I want you to be scared when I have my revenge." Keith informs Allura. "Nothing happens to the Mothman board 1." 

"Board 1?" Matt interrogates.

Keith nods eagerly in response and excitedly replies. "Yes. We have that much fucking prove now that I have enough to fill multiple boards!" 

"You're worse than my sister..." Matt mumbles in disbelieve. "Right, I take Shiro, Allura takes the Mothman board with Keith. The rest of you split up and take a board between two. People who are left without a board trail in the back and keep your guns out. Be prepared to shoot at any second." Matt grabs out a gun and points it towards Keith. "Push him towards me Allura." Allura does so, Matt catching him and quickly turning the gun away from Keith to Shiro's forehead. "You ready to go then?"

Keith frowns at Matt. "Let's just get this shit feast over with." 

 

When the group arrive at the castle after Keith shouting various threats about being careful with his boards throughout walking over, he can't help but gap at the castle. "It's an actual fucking castle?" 

Allura smiles at the castle proudly. "It's also a spaceship, by the way."

"You rich bastards." Keith says, eyes wide while he expects the castle. 

"Royalty actually." Allura retorts. 

"Is there really any difference?" Matt asks, snorting when Allura sends him an affronted expression. 

"Yes, you imbecile." 

"You're royalty? Why would a member of royalty be a field soldier?" Keith asks, crossing his arms. 

"Princess Allura of Altea and I don't find that term to be accurate. I may be a princess but I can still kick ass more efficiently than a lot of people." 

"She would pummel you, fam." Matt adds. 

"You aren't my family, asshat, don't call me that." 

Matt chortles. "It's just a term, chill. It's like calling someone bitch or whatever." 

Keith is pretty sure he hears Shiro mumble out, "Language." 

The door to the castle open, at the entrance, is a ginger man with the most powerful moustache Keith has ever seen. "Well, hello! It's lovely to finally meet you two! My name is Coran. I see that the encounter was rather peaceful then." 

"We have three dead." Allura deadpans.

Matt shrugs and puts his thumbs up. "But only one unconscious. Also, one even came willingly." He grins, gesturing towards Keith.

"Willing my ass." 

"Anyway!" Matt interjects clapping his hands together. "Let's go to the meeting room."

"Spectacular idea!" Coran chirps. "Just follow behind me and we'll be great."

The group do so until they get to the meeting room. Keith doesn't pay attention to the inside of the castle design, instead, he thinks of ways to get out of the mess him and Shiro have found themselves. 

"Take the seat there." Allura says, pointing at the seat closes to the head of the right side of the table. 

Keith strolls over in the opposite direction and sits at the the the head of the left table. At Allura's glower, he smirks, resting his elbow on the table placing his face onto his palm.

Matt places Shiro at the seat that was appointed for Keith instead, sitting next to him, whereas Allura takes the head of the right. 

Coran skips over to where Shiro is and grabs out a syringe. Before Keith can have an outburst Matt raises his hands up. "Dude chill, all he is doing is making it so Takashi is conscious for this. Well, I think so anyway? Pretty sure." 

"I am indeed. Either that or it would make a third eye appear on his forehead." 

"Hold up, wh-?"

Coran does not give him time to finish, stabbing the needle into Shiro's neck.

Inhaling sharply, Shiro straightens his back up, before sending a disapproving look at Matt's shit-eating grin. "I hate you." 

Matt laughs. "Love you too, bro." 

"What the fuck? You two know each other?" At Shiro wince, Keith begins to seethe. "Then why the fuck did we get brought in with fucking force and shot at, you bunch of cunts!?" 

"Keith-" 

"We're not talking right now, Shiro. I'm renouncing you. You clearly got us dragged in by being associated with these dicks."

"We were just shooting tranquillity bullets to knock you unconscious. I made it clear we were peaceful and just wanted to talk, it's not our fault you went all apeshit on us." Matt defends.

Keith couldn't believe the bullshit he was hearing. 

"My dear beloved brother was beaten up! Look at him, he will never be the same. How is pummelling Shiro peaceful and in good taste?" 

"I'm not renounced anymore, then?" 

"Of course not, I would never do such a thing." 

"You seriously just did so a min-" 

"Not now, Shiro."

Allura shrugs at Keith question. "To be honest, I just miss destroying him in fights." 

Shiro glares at Allura. "You caught me off guard, princess, I could totally win in a fight." 

She simply smiles at Shiro sweetly. "Sure you can, honey." 

"Matt I told you before I left to not introduce her to modern human culture. I bet she harasses everyone constantly with Kardashian memes now." 

Frowning, Keith scrunches his eyebrows together. "Who are the Kardashians?" 

Matt and Allura both gasp, sending Keith affronted looks. 

"Why is Shiro the one getting renounced when you are clearly an uncultured swine?" Matt says, Allura nodding feverishly in agreement. 

This is the moment where Keith is officially fed up. 

"Alright, seriously, why the fuck do you need us here? I swear to God, I will walk out." 

"Starting is a good idea, Keith. Basically, have you guys ever heard of Voltron?" Allura questions, looking at the both of them expectantly.

At the blank looks send back, Allura dives into an explanation. "Voltron is the defender of the universe, and the greatest weapon there is. There are five lions that combine to make Voltron, and paladins are necessary for us to find. We need to recruit help in the fight against Zarkon and to save the universe from his forces."

Matt slings an arm around Shiro's shoulder, still grinning widely. "So, you two up for it?" 

"Nah, I'm good. Going to be straight with you guys, I personally think that the universe can fuck right off. What's it ever done for me?" Keith says bluntly, standing up. "Thank you for wasting my time." 

"Keith, you are in the universe. If we don't stop this threat we are likely to die as well. Don't you think you should try and help out, meaning you remain alive?" Shiro reasons, giving Keith the classic 'Don't be an instinctive dumb fuck like always and think this through' look™.

"Gotta say, not remaining alive is sounding pretty tempting." 

"Can't believe Shiro little brother is an emo." Matt muses, Keith only replying by flipping him his middle finger.

Allura joins Keith standing up decision, pressing her hands against the table. "Keith, the Galra need to be stopped! They have already killed my home planet. All of my people. Many planets have been enslaved and destroyed by the merciless Galra forces. Children are being murdered every day in cold blood! They need to be defeated! Please, help the war effort. For once in your life, do what is right." 

Keith’s eyes widen, before his eyes narrow in determination. "Hold the fuck up. What do you mean, the Galra forces? Is Zarkon the leader of the Galra?" 

Allura nods at Keith slowly. "Yes?" 

"I'll join your war and do whatever it takes to take down the Galra." Keith snarls. 

"Yee boi!" Matt yells. 

"I will fight the Galra, and I will win you fuckers this war." 

Matt lets out a louder yee boi. 

"Mothman is real!" 

Keith ignores Shiro pinching the top of his nose, Coran mouthing 'What the quiznack is Mothman?' to Allura and Matt new yee boi which sounds much more reluctant than the last two, and instead sits back down and sprawls his legs on the table. "So, what do you want me to do?"

The corner of Alluras' mouth twitches up. "Have you ever heard of Lance McClain?"

"I've never heard of him."

**Author's Note:**

> Klance will never die to me, come at me Voltron, try and stop me


End file.
